Fear.
There was a knot in my stomach, much of the time, named the "what ifs…"
"What if he falls from the tree and breaks his neck."
"What if the horse spooks and throws her."
"What if he falls into a bucket and drowns."
"What if he flips his quad and I don't hear it."
"What if someone pulls in the driveway and hits my babies."
"What if Hubby falls from a pole today."
"What if baby does not wake up from a nap because I put an extra blanket in with her/him."
"What if…. What if… What if…"
It was exhausting!!!! and often manifested itself in yelling, anger and frustration.
The Lord did a work in my heart a few years ago. Through His Word, MANY circumstances and a few well placed comments my idols were revealed. Repentance came and I could see my great desire to hold on tight was not from Him.
I felt free.
Actually I felt like I could LIVE [and let my family live].
A few months ago we were blindsided with a major medical condition. My seemingly SUPER healthy, feisty boy had something growing in his brain - quietly, unseen, causing irreversible damage and some major health issues…. changing his life [our life] forever.
I felt, as a mom, out of control. Completely. How could of this happened.
An old enemy reared its ugly head. The feeling of wanting everyone in a bubble has returned. "Can we all just STOP, watch a movies and be still? Let's just take a nap, ok? Why would you want to swing that high?"
My ear has been inclined to every horror story and sickness more than ever. "That could be us."
*tear*
I remember the taste of this bondage.
You see, control is a lie straight from the pit.
The lie comes in the form of "if you had only done ____ better then that never would have happened" or "if you had never done _____ that never would have happened."
What a crock.
Let's just walk that through for a minute. [Join me in the conversations that goes on in my head, will you?]
Evil Knievel. The man was a nut and known for his crazy stuff. He jumped over canyons and should have died many, many times. He died of diabetes at an older age.
Countless missionaries would enter into an area with (foreign to them) diseases and even cannibalistic environments only to live a long full life. [currently reading about one]
Happy, healthy, excited people go watch a movie and wind up dead.
Those are only a few examples and I [re]"get" the picture.
Control is a farce. God is sovereign and I certainly am not going to change that.
God so graciously reminds us "Do not FEAR." 365 times in The Bible.
Fear is a sin. It claims LIFE from us.
Can Dawson die in the woods this weekend while packing-in to the wilderness? Yes.
Could Ashton or her cousin get thrown from a horse today? Yes.
Could our economy crash and poverty wash over our nation, my family? Yes.
Could have Ashton slept walking into the river at camp this week? Yes. [seriously worried all night about this one this week *rolling eyes*]
Could my daughter and I die in Africa on our next trip. Yes.
Do I want to live in fear, yelling and just generally being grumpy because of the what ifs? HEck NO! That is not the life Jesus wants for me [and you]. He did not give me breath to fix this world. That was and is His job.
How am I going to work this out [again]?
First, take every thought captive.
2 Corinthians 10:5
American Standard Version (ASV)
5 casting down imaginations, and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ;
knowing…..
Romans 8:6
English Standard Version (ESV)
6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
Amen.
Sha, I think these last two posts you have written are so incredibly inpactful. It really spoke to me. This last one? I know you have struggled with this and overcome, quite a testament. I've been having some struggles of fear reaaring up it's ugly head in me recently and it paralysis you. You are on a roll, can't wait to see the next post. Hopefully it will be about 'the fear of how smelly those boys are with a big ole smile on their face' when they return! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteOh my! This is such a great post. Thank u:)
DeleteSomething for all of us to be mindful of. Thank you for this beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteI've struggled (still) with this same issue. And the recent shooting causes the fears to surface. I think of the old song, "And I know He holds the future, and I know who holds my hand."
ReplyDeleteYou actually make it seem so easy with your
ReplyDeletepresentation but I find this topic to be actually something which
I think I would never understand. It seems too complex and extremely broad for me.
I'm looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!
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As I sit here in the hospital with our preemie son who STILL is not eating on his own and MAY have been exposed to chickenpox, away from all of my other children who are doing God-knows-what right now, this post is exactly what I needed to read today. It has been ages since I have read your blog (been a little busy lately:-)), and it is no coincidence that THIS is what you have written about just when I have a minute to read.
ReplyDeleteThis is the lesson God has been teaching me all along, throughout this crazy, scary, painful spring/summer in the hospital. So many hard things, so many times I have feared and tried so hard to control rather than trusting the only One who is trustworthy, so many times all of my control has been stripped and replaced by God's perfect care.
And I am still learning. Even after all the lessons, I am still fighting the fear and the illusion of my control. It is only an illusion, you know, but God's sovereignty and perfection are not. Thank you for this encouragement today. I feel like God MADE you write it just for me. Love you, sister~!
Love you much Sister and I am praying for you. I miss your face. Can not wait to hug your neck. You all have had a stretching summer. I think this 2012 year has not been my favorite so let plan [in our head] something super awesome to kick off 2013 - something that says done with medical yuck, done with scary adoption situations, done with itty bitty's struggling…. something that says …. chocolate, laughter and togetherness. K? K! I love you!
DeletePhil 4:8
ReplyDelete"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
Since I was young I’ve battled against fear because of all that was constantly done to me, but God is always present, and he has a reason for everything, and now I try to truly fear God alone and not fall victim to the enemies lie/attacks so easily...for me it’s easier said than done, but when we know the enemy has already been defeated, and God's will is always done, we have no reason to fear. Life is a mist, so there is no time to waste in fear. Recently I experienced a pretty strong spiritual attack, and Philippians 4:8 was a huge help. I had to own God’s truth and rebuked all thoughts that didn’t fit with that verse. Thank you for your post.