Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Living in the tension.

Dawson's MRI results yesterday were: "no change."  This is wonderful news and means no further action for 6 months [unless a new symptom would arise].  We are incredibly thankful and credit, heard-prayer to the "stability" and peace we encountered during the exhausting testing and appointments.  Each of us had a noticable calm in the midst.  Thank you Jesus.

While we are so relieved to get back to life, there's a looming giant still before us.  Unnamed, damage-causing, just sitting there.  This is driving me a bit batty.  I want it named, treated and wrap up this chapter with a big.fat.bow.  Doesn't that sound nice?

We hit the 2 year mark this April.  2 years of watching, waiting, learning, adjusting and in a sense holding our breath, not knowing if something else will suddenly happen [like it already had].  Each skin rash, moment of confusion, stumble or cold makes me jump to conclusions.  Low on Cortisol?  Adrenals not working?  Neurodegeneration?  I run him over to the wall… is he growing?  Hmm… hard to tell… let's try 47 more times.  Then this is repeated about a month or so later - depending on circumstance - cough, red eyes - you never know what will spur this - sometimes even realizing that I haven't had a "moment" makes me have a moment.  *sigh*  Dawson's a great sport about it and somehow knows mommy's just trying to figure it all out.

As the weight of this is squared up anew, I can't help but think of so many living in the tension.  A looming financial situation, a struggling marriage, emerging job change, failing health, wayward child… all of these are very real, present, yet not fixed with a pill overnight or even clear explination.  Tension.  You can feel it, you know it's there, you just don't know what to do with the damn thing.

From what I am gathering this tension can take us one of two places.  Anger at God or fully dependent on God.  Anger seems to be the quicker for me, but rapidly leads me to isolation, sleepless nights and my favorite evil, fear.  Every single thing becomes scary.  People become mean.  Grace is absurd.

The further in my walk with Christ, I seem to be able to quickly recognize the warning signs I'm racing past.

The dependance path is reviewed, once again.

Is God great?  Oh you can see that from the smallest of insects to the peaks of Mt. Shasta.  All of creation is screaming His glorious great hand.

Does God love me?  Yes, so much so that he sent His ONLY Son and made me a co-heir to His eternal riches.  He longs for me to commune daily with Him - not because I have won approval through awesome behaviors [or lack there of] but because of Jesus' awesome behavior and paid penalty for me.  Insane, really.  Love?  Check.

Does He see what is happening down here?  This is the part that makes me weep a bit.  He does.  He does so much that He allows His children to go through hard times to realize their deep longing and need for Him.  You see, God said this life is but a breath… a breath.  Clearly God has a different perspective than we do.  I think He is much more concerned with our eternal home than this momentary affliction.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Dependence on God, yes, that's where there's life and peace.  

I surrender all to Him.

And will need to continue to do that, daily, while living in the tension.