There was a knot in my stomach, much of the time, named the "what ifs…"
"What if he falls from the tree and breaks his neck."
"What if the horse spooks and throws her."
"What if he falls into a bucket and drowns."
"What if he flips his quad and I don't hear it."
"What if someone pulls in the driveway and hits my babies."
"What if Hubby falls from a pole today."
"What if baby does not wake up from a nap because I put an extra blanket in with her/him."
"What if…. What if… What if…"
It was exhausting!!!! and often manifested itself in yelling, anger and frustration.
The Lord did a work in my heart a few years ago. Through His Word, MANY circumstances and a few well placed comments my idols were revealed. Repentance came and I could see my great desire to hold on tight was not from Him.
I felt free.
Actually I felt like I could LIVE [and let my family live].
A few months ago we were blindsided with a major medical condition. My seemingly SUPER healthy, feisty boy had something growing in his brain - quietly, unseen, causing irreversible damage and some major health issues…. changing his life [our life] forever.
I felt, as a mom, out of control. Completely. How could of this happened.
An old enemy reared its ugly head. The feeling of wanting everyone in a bubble has returned. "Can we all just STOP, watch a movies and be still? Let's just take a nap, ok? Why would you want to swing that high?"
My ear has been inclined to every horror story and sickness more than ever. "That could be us."
I remember the taste of this bondage.
You see, control is a lie straight from the pit.
The lie comes in the form of "if you had only done ____ better then that never would have happened" or "if you had never done _____ that never would have happened."
What a crock.
Let's just walk that through for a minute. [Join me in the conversations that goes on in my head, will you?]
Evil Knievel. The man was a nut and known for his crazy stuff. He jumped over canyons and should have died many, many times. He died of diabetes at an older age.
Countless missionaries would enter into an area with (foreign to them) diseases and even cannibalistic environments only to live a long full life. [currently reading about one]
Happy, healthy, excited people go watch a movie and wind up dead.
Those are only a few examples and I [re]"get" the picture.
Control is a farce. God is sovereign and I certainly am not going to change that.
God so graciously reminds us "Do not FEAR." 365 times in The Bible.
Fear is a sin. It claims LIFE from us.
Can Dawson die in the woods this weekend while packing-in to the wilderness? Yes.
Could Ashton or her cousin get thrown from a horse today? Yes.
Could our economy crash and poverty wash over our nation, my family? Yes.
Could have Ashton slept walking into the river at camp this week? Yes. [seriously worried all night about this one this week *rolling eyes*]
Could my daughter and I die in Africa on our next trip. Yes.
Do I want to live in fear, yelling and just generally being grumpy because of the what ifs? HEck NO! That is not the life Jesus wants for me [and you]. He did not give me breath to fix this world. That was and is His job.
How am I going to work this out [again]?
First, take every thought captive.
2 Corinthians 10:5
American Standard Version (ASV)
5 casting down imaginations, and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ;
English Standard Version (ESV)
1 John 4:18
6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
I will purpose to loosen the grip through obedience to set my mind on the things of Christ. And when (and I know it will) the choice to freak or chill comes…. I will remember that I want to truly love my family.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.